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John Palcewski's Journal

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I love dawn, when I’m awakening and still not yet fully conscious. I feel no fear, self-doubt, or the growing certainty that Vittoria is gone forever. For a few moments I’m a boy at the start of summer vacation. Everything is possible. And then…

My heart rate goes up when it all comes back, and—intent on banishing negative thoughts—I turn over and begin my meditation. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. In any event, I do my morning ritual.

As I dress I think about January 2002, when Vittoria and I were together. The last few hours at the hotel near Dorney Park, both of us knowing how hard saying goodbye will be. Somehow I managed to bluff my way through the whole thing. I was determined to be calm and strong. What did I tell her?

“I’m not abandoning you, sweetie, it’s the opposite,” I say. “I’m doing the only thing that might get you to break free. I’ll be waiting for you in Italy. No matter how long it takes.”

A final embrace. Then I put my hands on both sides of her face, and kiss her gently on her cheeks, her forehead, her lips. She has to understand that I'll always love her. But how futile this gesture is! Tenderness doesn’t work anymore, it will just make the coming solitude more painful.

“Good bye.”

I guess Vittoria knew then that it was over. I didn’t, and still don’t.

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I've been skimming most of the Vittoria posts, yet without much context, this one was still touching.

Thanks, that's precisely how I hoped the piece would be...

Sometimes, meeting and loving someone, lasts forever and we cannot change how we love another.

Well, everyone says you've got to get over it, but then you know you can't...

Nice picture...but there's a foot in the corner!


(Ha ha! Sorry I was so slow...the photo wasn't appearing in my email so I was clueless for awhile there!)

I didn't want to take away from your beautiful but painful thoughts about Vittoria. I just had to play with that photo.

It sounds like you miss her terribly.

Not to worry, the sudden re-appearance of that foot brought a big smile to my face. Nice to see the excellent work of a fellow Photoshopper. As for missing Vittoria, yes, I do, very much...and there's some comfort in being able to share the feelings with others. In that sense art, writing, is redemptive...Thanks again!

I must say that I just read your very compelling and intelligent case for maternity. I am floored because as a writer, I can't help but think of providence/God/fate etc. as the orchestrator of your meeting with Vittoria; only then tell her story, and possibly bring to light circumstances that point to a sad injustice(?).
Anyway, out of curiosity, I want to know if there have been any updates in this case. I read all of the articles and last one is dated last year.
Lastly, I was going to point out that you definitely subscribe to the Nature in the Nature Vs. Nurture debate as evidenced by your exploration of your girlfriends birthplace as a means to understand her. It's interesting because I am a biology student and genetics is interesting to me.
Alright. Take care and God bless.

Thanks for your thoughtful comments. You're right about the strangeness of Fate (or whatever) that put Maria/Vittoria into my life. It hasn't been exactly pleasant lately, but my only option is to do what I promised I would do, which is write her story and then...who knows?

I'm quite evenly divided on the nurture/nature thing, except that I can't help but note that my girl's acting and role-playing behavior more resembles Sophia's than that of anyone else in her extended family. It's not proof, of course, but nevertheless goes a long way to "explain" why she's always been so different from her relatives.

Again, many thanks for your post...

As for updates, nothing to report. Except that in a couple of weeks I might well have an opportunity to finally resolve the question of whether Maria/Vittoria was adopted or not. It's scary. But I'm determined--no, compelled--to go where the facts lead, because truth just has to be the foundation of fiction. The whole truth.

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